Nerf Mjolnir Awards: Dear movie theater…

This is the most moronic thing I’ve ever heard.

Apparently, some theaters are discussing the possibility of allowing texting in theaters…

Excuse me while I leap over ten rows of seats (arthritis and all) and smite you about the ears with Neft Mjolnir while my service pony kicks you in the nether regions and bites your fingers so you may never text again. Then I will grab your phone, toss it into my kayak hold, and thence into the deepest body of water I can find.

Please don’t vote or reproduce.

Seriously, I spend my hard earned money to go have a Theater Experience. That means dark, quiet (and none of those %*&%^^@#!! little floor lights where I can see them either, whose moronic idea was that anyway!?!?!). No babies. No yakkity yakkers. No friggin phones of any sort. I do not want to see your police helicopter spotlight glowing screen thing anywhere in my field of vision. I do not want to hear your chirp chirp either.

I want to be immersed in the story, in the big screen, in the surround sound. I can watch crap on my computer cheaper and deal with a distraction or two. Not in the theater.

Theater is sacred space.

It is the Dark night where we gather around the fire to hear (and imagine the images) of tales of old. It is Mom reading to you before bedtime. It is Storytelling at its most fabulous.

Until some moron who can’t focus makes me lose my focus.

You need to unplug. You need to focus. You need to toss the *%^*&^)(&*R!!! phone somewhere and pay attention for two hours. You need to be here now.

I firmly believe there need to be No Phone Zones in places in our culture. Places where we focus, pay attention to what we are doing. Places where we don’t inflict our noise on other people’s lives.

I don’t think there even needs to be a single theater which allows texting (the “texting theater” some have proposed). If you can’t turn off your phone, stay the hell home and multitask to your heart’s content. Out here, it’s the real world, and you need to focus.

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