Thine face is not worth sunburning… a brief rant about online apps…

Nerf Mjolnir Award of the Day…

 

Oh thou Ginormous Market of Goodliness Whom I Beseech for a Paltry Part-time job at Probably Minimum Wage…

Why hast thou perpetrated such loathesome, noisome, dried neat’s tongue, bull’s pizzle and stock fish?

I have tried in vain to fill in thy blank, staring, lump of foul deformity you term an “online application”.

It is a poisonous bunch backed toad, dry as the remainder biscuit after an epic voyage, clear as a hedge-born horn-beast, easy to understand as a cockered crook pated canker blossom.

It was clearly designed by those lacking entirely in right brain skills, those whose qualling clay brained linear thinking excludes any thinking beyond their tiny little snuff box.

Would thou wouldst burst.

 

I am 61, I have massive experience in everything from training wild mustangs, wrangling chomping otters and barfing vultures, to taking a local news cameraman for a ride in my dogsled (while he gleefully shot video, and I tried to wrangle more dogs than I ever had before) to teaching people to not fall out of kayaks, or off horses, or to have fun with art. I have faced the thundering Viking hordes on my wild black mare and spent 6 days on a Viking longship on the Potomac river, two days in a kayak in the wilds of a barrier island, Halloween on a “pirate ship” (technically, privateer: the Pride of Baltimore II), and one earthquake on another pirate ship (go look up Kalmar Nyckel, she’s fun). I know kung fu, karate and forty seven other dangerous words… I dabbled in them enough to know to stay out of trouble, not look for it. I can generally point a bow in the right direction, but I leave procuring dinner up to my cousin’s husband.

I also have fabulous experience in customer service.

I think I can run your mewling cash register.

But your  base, rascally, cheating lack-linen, app that outvenoms all the worms of Nile, will not show any of this diversity or experience. Rather it wants me to remember such moronity as how much my first minimum wage job paid and exactly when I worked there (ahhhhh, yeah, sometime in 1988, I think… maybe). You are not weeding out those who cannot write, you are weeding out those who can think, those with experience, those who need your job, those who can contribute to your company.

And by not recognizing neurodiversity (Mr Google is your friend) you are not only giving the ADA and several other social and human rights groups more fun things to gleefully rip into, you are hurting your own bottom line, your own ability to survive because diversity is Nature’s number one rule.

Methinks you need to accept resumes straight from our hands, meet us face to face, and not let a computer program decide who will actually work in the positions you offer.

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