Nerf Mjolnir Awards: smite smite smitedy smite smite smite

I have zero tolerance for voice robots.

Voice mail is bad enough, but at least it’s short and sweet and allows you to screen out the endless begathons and bullpockey that infests your calling day while not losing Important Calls From Friends and Stuff.

Voice robots are those Evil Minions of Darkness keeping actual Real Live Human Beings With Great Customer Service Skills out of work.

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Their insipid voices whine at me at the supermarket checkout (until I stick it in Spanish mode, then it sounds like Antonio Banderas, then everyone looks at me oddly because Dover is still painfully non-diverse)…

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…but the Worst Minions of Evil are the ones you wade through trying to reach an actual company who called you, or one you want to contact with questions, or for help…

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Dear United Healthcare…

yes you, with the pretty good coverage and customer service, when I can get an actual human, which is pretty often when I dial the other number I have.

You called me today, and left a message with a phone number and a “confirmation code number” to punch in when I called back.

I call back.

I dutifully punch in the code.

After the chime, as requested.

Then you’re supposed to say “yes”, I think. Or type it? Robochick seems to recognize Voice.

But not the simple word yes.

I try it several different ways.

I spam 00000000000000000000000000000000000.

I try again.

I am now conversing like a mariner and threatening to reach through the wires and strangle its little …eh… circuits.

I try again.

and again

and again…

I am now screaming yes, whispering yes, shouting yes….

shouting imprecations, using literary license,, quoting Shakespearean curses, conversing like a mariner…

I end up calling it back and singing virulent curses at it. Sort of operatic, or not, I can’t actually sing. But I may have a bad case of Beauty and the Beast Musical Virus with a dash of Too Many Times With the Moana Soundtrack and a hint of Hamilton.

I basically called it back a few extra times to sing curses at it since it wasn’t about to answer my dutiful punching of correct numbers.

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Dear United Healthcare and other Corporations who feel the need to use %(&^%$&^%$# robots.

Get

real

live

humans.

You do not want to know my blood pressure.

You are very glad I am only inclined to stomp robots, and that I love real live humans. They are usually helpful.

Get

more

of

them.

I have no time to %(*^&$%# around wading through your orcish hordes, especially when they don’t function.

Send me an email, a letter. Have a real person contact me.

But if I hear any more robots…”this call may be monitored”…

please, monitor… I’m going to sing some very awful opera at you.

Hey, here’s the main number I called…. go play… I think it’d be hilarious if they got spammed….

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1-866-428-4776

Also, if you have any ideas how to get around this crap, let me know.

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