Nerf Mjolnir Awards: dear retail customer

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Observations from the Not-Quite-Real World of retail.

Dear valued retail customer:

Sesame Street 101:

  • One of these things (on the shelf) is not like the other. Can you spot the spot where the blue thing really goes when you are done with it?
  • Which one of these things is not an A.
  • Which one of these things is not a goulish Halloween item?
  • Thank you for being an involved parent, but please do not use the entire letter aisle to teach your kid the alphabet. Or at least put your toys away.
  • Why are the dinosaurs migrating to the wedding aisle?
  • The decorative plastic pumpkin is not a toddler chew toy. Also I have no idea if it’s made of toxic waste, it did come from China.
  • Neither are the Beanie Babies. If you chew it, you bought it.

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Why Does It Look Like A Muppet Exploded in the Craft Section?

  • feather boas should be locked up or banned.

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When Sweeping the Floral Department…

  • There’s enough stuff on the floor to make a Thanksgiving parade float…


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Restroom 101:

  • The little silver thingie on the side of the big white thingie should be pushed down when you are done. That makes the water and all the nasty stuff go away.
  • A trash can is provided for your convenience. Please use that and not the floor.
  • A commode is provided for your convenience. Please use that and not the floor.
  • I am not a contortionist or acrobat. If you lock the door and crawl out under it I will send the Toilet Ninjas to track you down.

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  • There’s this stuff called Poo Pourri… maybe you should buy some.

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No, We Don’t Have That ________ but…

  • No, we don’t have everything you saw on Pinterest.
  • We do have this other thing that’s way cooler.
  • No we don’t have that color anymore, the paint company had a brainfart and changed stuff… every five minutes. We do have 6340128736491 other cool colors just like it though.
  • No we don’t have a P in that size/typeface. We do have 560234765190 other typefaces and sizes of Ps.
  • You can paint that the color you want. We have 5762018936501 colors of craft paint.
  • NO, we don’t have this finished_______ you saw on Pinterest. Welcome to a craft store. (You make it yourself).

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That’s Not on Sale… but…

  • This is.
  • We have coupons.
  • But you have to find them.
  • Read the sign.
  • Read the fine print on the sign.
  • Ask us.
  • We’re confused too.
  • Get a price check; the lovely cashiers will be glad to asist you.
  • Or go to Wally World.

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Mr. Google is Your Friend:

  • Sorry, we don’t have that.
  • Or that.
  • Or that either.
  • “Where can I…”
  • Lowes.
  • Staples.
  • Ace Hardware.
  • Wally World.
  • Amazon.
  • The Fabric Store.
  • “But the other craft store had it…”
  • I have no idea where you can get it but Mr. Google is your friend.
  • I have no idea how that works… Mr Google…
  • I have no idea how to do that… You tube.
  • I have no idea what happens if you put that over this… Mr. Google…
  • I can tell you 5701237691 things to do with ModPodge.

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The Great American Novel:

  • Should not be written in two foot tall letters in the letter aisle.
  • I don’t care what your name is, put your letters away.
  • Now that’s just rude. Please don’t vote.
  • Or breed.
  • Why is your Shih-Poo chewing on a Q?
  • Why is your toddler…
  • Perhaps you’d just like to get some stencils…

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Paint 101:

  • This is not artist paint, it is craft paint. If you paint pictures with it you will get monkey vomit violet, puke pink, and calf scours green.
  • Craft paint is cheaper than spray paint, easier, and it won’t cover the inside of your lungs with toxic waste.
  • If it says “natural hair” on the brush package, and does not cost $50, run awaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
  • Yes, the lids on the spray paint are taped on now, for a reason…
  • That bottle of Cayman Island Turquoise is not a chew toy.
  • Your kid just shopped… did you want all 3640198234 of those colors?
  • The cheap paint/brushes are just that… and they will make you crazy.

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  • No, you can’t custom frame that for $20/ Yes, it will be on Antiques Roadshow a century from now if you custom frame it.
  • Let me tell you about the childhood photos of me that are now glued to the glass because THEY DIDN’T USE MATS!!!!
  • Sorry, shouting.
  • You spent $6127649182746 going to school and getting those degrees. You want a poster frame…
  • That is a vintage photo and you want to put it in what?
  • That is an original piece of art and you want to put it in what???
  • That is a valuable signed limited edition numbered print and …??????
  • That is a puzzle … sure, we can custom frame that (cough cough cough).

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Welcome to McDeathburger…

  • Your slushie does not match our decor.
  • Our Beanie Babies do not need your leftover soda.
  • One of these things is not like the others… is that a dead half burger among the faerie garden stuff? What? Are they going out at night when we aren’t looking?
  • Your two year old is experimenting with gravity because she wants to be a NASA scientist. Unfortunately, not cool with a smoothie in the wedding aisle.
  • Why are there Cheerios in the feather boas…

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Welcome to Glitter Land…

  • Yes, it’s July, and we have Christmas stuff out. I know. I know. I know.


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