Nerf Mjolnir Awards: tow trucks, goat chariots, hammer time and stuff

So there I am, driving down Route 30 on my way to teach an art class on the other side of the planet (as far as I’m concerned, Lancaster PA might as well be the other one in England).

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The Mighty Dodge Grande Caravan (which has recently broke about half a dozen times) makes an unfortunate noise, Something pings off and goes BANGITY BUMPTY BLURP under it and vanishes behind me.

The van continues down the road undisturbed.

OK… ok…. ummmm….

I see the shining lights of a car dealership ahead and pull in. Maybe I should pop the hood and make sure all the tires are still on…

Pulling in becomes an Epic Worthy of Thor…

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it…

does….

not….

steer…

 

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I grind to a halt in a parking space. Pop the hood, and lo, the Belt That Runs Everything has fallen off and is dangling, slightly shredded, from the pulleys it is supposed to be embracing.

I call AAA.

Again.

(Lessee here, how many calls do I have left this year????)

They will send a truck.

Meanwhile, the nice guys at Apple Nissan offer me a seat, coffee, hot chocolate, water, and Animal Planet.

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For hoots and giggles I ask how much to buy a used van. “Maybe $3000…” I suggest.

“$3000 down?” the Nice Salesman says.

Uh, noooooooooooooo, $3000 period. And that’s pushing it.

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I wait….

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…and wait…

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…watching some norse woods cop thing on Animal Planet…

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Image result for animal planet north woods law images

Image result for animal planet north woods law images

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…and wait…

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and wait…

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at least the loon got rescued…

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My cell phone is nearly dead… and it does not fit any of the cables coming out of the “plug your phone in here” battery display…

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I do actually have my own cord, the Nice Salesmen find me an outlet…

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I finally get a call from AAA, your tow truck will be there presently.

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It does not show.

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Finally I hear the phone ring, and they say the truck is waiting outside.

I go out, no truck.

No blinkin flashin tow truck lights…

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I hike around the ginormous parking lot to find the truck lurking on the Far Side Of The World…

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“Um, I’m over there…” I suggest. As of you couldn’t find a beat up dark purple 1999 Dodge Caravan in the middle of a parking lot full of shiny new red and white Nissans… did I  mention the roof racks encased in giant pool noodles? I know I mentioned it to AAA.

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Driver grunts something monosyllabic and drives around.

Then vanishes into the distance.

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I wait. The Nice Salesman wonders where the truck went. I wonder where the %(^%&*^ truck went. Is he driving around the block???

I call AAA..

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Image result for thor angry

Image result for thor angry

It seems the driver could not access the van with his ginormous roll back truck.

  • He did not tell  me this.
  • He did not tell me anything.
  • He did not ask if I could move the van (I could, a few yards) to get it to the truck.
  • He did not tell me he was going off and letting someone with a smaller handier truck take over.
  • He left me in the dark in a parking lot of a business that was going to close in less than half an hour without communicating anything worthwhile to his customer…

Image result for thor angry

Image result for thor angry

Image result for thor angry

So I call AAA and the Helpful Guy starts asking where I am and I basically…

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He’s very apologetic. He didn’t act like an ass… the towtruck dude did…

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Extremely Apologetic AAA Guy explains that a smaller truck is on its way.

Smaller Towtruck appears, and …

“Hey, don’t I know you?”

It’s Jay, the guy who’s towed me like two other times.

He says something deprecating about Tow Truck Driver #1, something I’ve been thinking very very loudly but will not say in polite company. I agree.

We pick up the van’s front feet and trundle on down the road. We have a nice discussion about Life, the Universe and Everything…

…and the fact that he also sells used vans.

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PS: I adore Thor, in his many iterations (especially the Hemsworth one) and I adore goats.

I have trained a few goats to pull things, particularly Billy, the Toggenburg wether. Yes google spell thing does not recognize either Toggenburg (goat breed) or wether (a goat gelding). My dad built a cart and Billy pulled it nicely.

I love comic book art but I get kind of…

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and then…

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when otherwise really great artists don’t do their research on stuff like animal anatomy or harness.

The really great art above (Thor’s chariot) has the kind of dysfunctional harness we see all the time on Santa’s reindeer (who may owe their DNA more to Thor’s goats than anything). A bellyband that will fall to their nether regions as soon as they pull, causing them to buck and tear the chariot apart. They need something across the chest. Also goats and deer do not have the empty space on their jaws (bars) that horses do, so you really can’t put a bit in their mouths, you use a bitless halter.

I’ll rant about that at great length soon. Stay posted for Santa You’re Doomed.

One thought on “Nerf Mjolnir Awards: tow trucks, goat chariots, hammer time and stuff

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